Keep on keepin on

It's been forever since I last updated and yet I still feel like I don't have much to say. Life continues for us like normal and we are making plans and looking forward to some fun summer activities and seeing family soon!!
We are doing ok. Some days are totally fine and some days are excruciating. We had a pretty bad stretch a couple of weeks ago. Everything was just coming to a head I guess and exploded in a nasty mess of grieving. (I guess that's the best way to describe it! There really are no words.) We decided to go the the cemetery as a family and take some fresh flowers to Olivia's grave. Andy hadn't been there since the funeral and said later that he was glad we went and that we should do that more often. We wanted to get a fresh bouquet made for something special and while at the florist I could barely keep it together as the lady was asking me all sort of questions about what I wanted, size, who it was for...I finally just told her the story. *sigh*
Anyway, we are making baby steps towards healing. Somedays the steps seem so small and insignificant but I have to keep reminding myself that baby steps are the way it goes and they add up. This isn't an over night magical fix.
On another note I am SOOOOOO excited about a new blog/project that I am working on. I have partnered with dear friends...I don't want to give it away! I hope to have the new blog launched by the end of the month (AT THE LATEST).
One last thing-please pray for my friend Jenn Porsche and her family who are expecting baby Noah ANYTIME!! I blogged about her a while ago. Baby Noah has been diagnosed with trisomy 13. Obviously I need not say more about that except that he was due on the 4th so clearly it will be any day. Check out the Porsche family's story here. Also I told you about the baby girl that was born to family friends. Her name is Rebecca. She is still alive and bringing joy to her family, however her time is still very short and unknown. She is at home now. Please keep praying for them for comfort peace and strength.
My mid-year resolution is to be a better blogger. So see ya soon!

Prayer Request

My heart is heavy today as I just received some sad news that quickly takes me back to just a few short months ago. A friend of Andy's family had a little girl a few days ago that is currently at CHOP. I don't know all the details but I understand that they are keeping her comfortable right now and soaking up every second they have with her until the end. I am asking that you all pray for this family and for the baby's brother who is about Gwen's age. Please pray for comfort, peace, and strength for them that only God can give. Again, you know how to pray and thank you all for continuing this journey with us. We know despite all things God is good.

Stay tuned for pictures of our caterpillars!!!

Slap that Tat!!!

Just kidding!! Didn't they used to tell you to do that to help set the ink?!! Silly!!
ANYWAY!!!
Yes, I got a tattoo!! I don't really like it when people get new tattoos and they try their best to show it off but I'm really excited about mine and it's obviously sentimental and since you are all on this journey with me I couldn't wait to show it to you! So here it is!
I had thought about getting one in remembrance of Olivia a while ago and then I saw a similar tattoo (different word) on another person's wrist and really liked the location. The more I thought about it the more it made sense to get it! Hope-not only is it Olivia's middle name but the word encompasses everything our family is about (which is WHY it is her middle name). My wrist because of the symbolism of Christ dying on the cross and giving us that hope, My LEFT wrist because it's the "heart" side and easier for ME to read. It ended up being a gift and so we decided to get it done tonight! It was a great night followed by a picnic in the park!
So here's to my tattoo-a constant reminder that no matter what dark roads we walk we have Hope that will never go away!!

On another note Michele and I were put in contact with a new friend that is due with a baby at the end of this month that has been diagnosed with Trisomy 13. Her name is Jenn. We have gotten to meet her in person once and are looking forward to getting together with her again on Friday. Jenn is expecting a boy, Noah. Please pray for her and her family. They are doing well but obviously trying to prepare for some difficult times soon and praying for some time with their precious son. You know how to pray! Her blog is treasuringlifesblessings.blogspot.com

Jesus Loves me this I know

I was reminded last night just how many people the Lord has put in my life over the past couple of years with the things he's brought us through. People that have reached out to me, befriended me and shown me love and support even if they didn't really know me.
A part of a conversation I had with someone sparked a thought in me. I was thinking about my precious Olivia and how much I love her. She's not here but that doesn't mean that I don't STILL love her. When I found out I was pregnant with her I was wondering what kind of love I would feel for her. This was before we found out about the Trisomy 13. How could I feel as much love for another child as I did for Gwen? How could I have as much love to give or have I already given it to my firstborn? It's not that I thought I wouldn't love her, I just didn't yet know what it felt like to feel that for two children.
When Olivia was born the love for her that I felt was totally different then what I had ever felt before. It's hard to put into words but it was different than anything I felt with Gwen. Thinking of this last night made me wonder if my love for Olivia is anything like the Lord's love for us.
Olivia, by the world's eyes, was a throw away. That sounds awful but she really was. I was encouraged by the best doctors in the country to terminate my pregnancy because she was just going to die anyway-her life didn't matter. She was mentally handicap, she had deformities and those things are ugly by worldly standards. She was not perfect and she never would have been yet I loved her so SO much. I didn't care that she wasn't healthy or perfectly formed. I didn't even want her different, I just wanted HER.
That's how God loves us. We are ugly and deformed. We are not perfect and we never will be but He loves us so SO much. It's hard to remember that when you're going through a tough time but it's true and I believe that the Lord gave me that to tell me "see how you feel about your child? This is how I feel about you."
I'm healing and moving forward but times are hard. I am hurt, scared for the future, impatient for the future and honestly wondering why He has allowed us to go through so much in the last several years. Why has our life been so hard? Will it stop now that I've pretty much gone through the worst possible pain other than loosing my spouse? I feel like it has to stop because I can't take anything else-stick a fork in me, I'm DONE!! But in all the hard times I've been through and will go through I know He loves me and His plan is perfect.
Olivia's total dependence on us made me feel a love for her that I can't express. I don't love either of my girls over the other but she will ALWAYS have a special spot in my hear that no child will ever be able to touch. I thank the Lord for this.

Olivia Bunny

I called the wildlife rehab center where we dropped off our baby bunny that I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. She didn't make it.

Happy Mother's Day

A Mother's Day wish from Heaven
by Jody Seilheimer

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing you from Heaven,
and though it must appear
a rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit
your stores to find a card,
a card of love for my mother,
as this day is very hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,
I saw every card you could imagine
except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in Heaven.

She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside,
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
that though I live in Heaven now,
I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
memories are our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells.
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her
of her wondrous worth.

She needs to be honored
and remembered too,
just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best,
I have done all I can do;
to you I leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.

Time

It's been six weeks since Olivia died and it feels like an eternity and like it was yesterday all at the same time. Time is a funny thing so it is! No matter what it sill moves on, whether you want it to or not it still moves on. Honestly, I want it to. I feel myself waiting anxiously to see what the next few hours will bring and it really does bring comfort to know that in time things will become more clear, in time I won't feel so heartbroken, in time we will see blessings...in time the Lord will come and there will be no more tears.
I don't mean to sound depressing because in all actuality we are doing pretty good. I was starting to feel guilty about not being depressed, not grieving hard, etc, but someone brought to my attention that we have so many praying for us. I shouldn't allow myself to feel guilty, I should see this as God's blessing to us. Don't get me wrong, I do have bad days. I do cry. I do ache to have my baby in my arms and no matter how many more children I have they can't replace her. I want HER. But keep praying. Your prayers are working. We are blessed beyond what we could have imagined to have you all supporting us.