My Super Big Girl!

So many changes have been happening in our house, actually in our family. Mostly just milestones and with each new one brings excitement, of course, but also the tiniest little ache that there is someone missing amidst all this celebration.

In the last couple of weeks we have (FINALLY) started potting training, which is going GREAT by the way. Still a few accidents here and there but she gets it and is trying and of course we act super stupid and make a huge big deal for each poopy and tinkle that makes it into the potty!! It's fun! Along with the potty training came the big-girl bed and that's going great as well! The first dentist appointment (great as well! She actually asked them to clean her teeth again when it was all done!), starting to understand things like Andy showing her how to race cows on the wii and even just getting to the age where we can start doing fun things like painting bird houses! I will say some of the fun was sucked out of that when I felt like I couldn't leave my spot standing behind her chair with my wet rag in hand to wipe every fresh smear of paint off of my red kitchen chairs before it dried!! However, they really DO grow up so fast and I am having a blast with my big 2 1/2 year old but I miss Olivia so much. Each new development that comes our way makes me instantly think that I won't get to enjoy these things with her, or she should be here to celebrate with, or Gwen should have the privilege of showing her little sister how to do these things...

I've been going through a devotional written by Nancy Guthrie called Hope. Ironically shortly after we decided on a name for Olivia a friend loaned me a book written by the same women who lost an infant daughter named Hope and while the circumstances are different most of it hits home. I was given the devotional and it has been a blessing to work through. More recently a chapter called Rest in Peace.

"I began to see that Hope's brief life on earth and quick deliverance into eternal life in the presence of God was not cruel or tragic. It was, in many ways, a gift to her, a protection from evil to come. Not that it felt less cruel or tragic to me. I felt robbed. I felt cheated...I don't want to loose Hope. I would like to see her grow. I would like to know her as an adult. But I also know that this life is filled with pain. And I don't think it is a tragedy that she will have the opportunity to be spared from evil, from the pain of this life, and be in the presence of God. This is what I believe. It is not necessarily how I feel. But believing this makes a difference in how I feel..."

Replace Hope's name with Olivia (or leave it for that matter since we did name her Olivia Hope) and this was pretty much written for me. And I CAN Rest in Peace knowing that I will see her again. I couldn't ask for a better situation for HER. Now ME is another story but if I've learned anything it's that this is not about me. Remind me of that later when I forget!!

Please don't stop praying for us. We do still hurt. It's only been six months! Some days it seems more and some days it seems less. I picture that while Gwen is learning to not get out of her big-girl bed each nap time Olivia would be in the next room in her crib starting to sit up by herself and maybe even crawling...Each new milestone is bittersweet.

Summer

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Well THAT mid-year resolution went right out the window!!

First of all I'm so sorry that I haven't been blogging lately. I have become consumed by summer. That's good and bad I suppose. Mostly good, however I have allowed myself to escape into vacations, gardening, trips to Lancaster, etc.

Many of you have been asking about my friend Jenn and her family. It didn't even occur to me that I ask you all to pray and then I didn't update. Noah was born on July 13th, lived for about 9 hours and went to heaven on the 14th. Andy and I went to his memorial service which was beautiful and very meaningful. As excruciating as it was to do that all over again only four months after Olivia's we were glad to be there for the Porsche family and to be refreshed with the sermon that the pastor spoke. Keep up to date with them at treasuringlifesblessings.blogspot.com

My brother and his family came out at the end of July to visit for 10 whole days!! It was so great to see them and to get the cousins together. We had a blast and didn't rest the whole time! Other than that I've been a crazy canning girl, taken many trips to Lancaster and have been busy with MOPS, Pampered Chef, Church and trying to do everything I can to savor every moment I have with my family. I admit that I have definitely let some things go and have used my grieving as an excuse (I can't really think of a better word) but on the other hand allowed myself to enjoy life as I know it to not get caught up in formalities. All that to say it's back to the grinding stone for me!

How are we? Well, I guess fine. I mean can you really be "fine" after loosing a child. Only five months in tells me I don't know the answer to that yet. We are definitely doing well, learning to grieve and heal with baby steps. We are obviously functioning and living normal life but not a day goes by where I don't get sad or miss my precious daughter like crazy. It still hurts a lot and I still need plenty of prayer from you! I heard the saying recently from a friend of mine regarding Michele and her son Hezekiah. The friend said to her "you will always have a Hezekiah shaped hole in your heart...". That pretty well sums it up. I will always have an Olivia shaped hole in my heart. Nothing, no child can fill it. Even now, after a truly great day, I am tearing up just writing this. It hurts. I want my daughter.

Above is a taste of what we did this summer.
Maybe if I say it again I'll follow through this time: I want to be a better blogger so see ya soon!

Prayer Request

Just a quick update on my friend, Jenn Porsche. Jenn is most likely in early labor and which is an answer to prayer! Little Noah (diagnosed with Trisomy 13) will be arriving SOON!! Please pray for their family...

Keep on keepin on

It's been forever since I last updated and yet I still feel like I don't have much to say. Life continues for us like normal and we are making plans and looking forward to some fun summer activities and seeing family soon!!
We are doing ok. Some days are totally fine and some days are excruciating. We had a pretty bad stretch a couple of weeks ago. Everything was just coming to a head I guess and exploded in a nasty mess of grieving. (I guess that's the best way to describe it! There really are no words.) We decided to go the the cemetery as a family and take some fresh flowers to Olivia's grave. Andy hadn't been there since the funeral and said later that he was glad we went and that we should do that more often. We wanted to get a fresh bouquet made for something special and while at the florist I could barely keep it together as the lady was asking me all sort of questions about what I wanted, size, who it was for...I finally just told her the story. *sigh*
Anyway, we are making baby steps towards healing. Somedays the steps seem so small and insignificant but I have to keep reminding myself that baby steps are the way it goes and they add up. This isn't an over night magical fix.
On another note I am SOOOOOO excited about a new blog/project that I am working on. I have partnered with dear friends...I don't want to give it away! I hope to have the new blog launched by the end of the month (AT THE LATEST).
One last thing-please pray for my friend Jenn Porsche and her family who are expecting baby Noah ANYTIME!! I blogged about her a while ago. Baby Noah has been diagnosed with trisomy 13. Obviously I need not say more about that except that he was due on the 4th so clearly it will be any day. Check out the Porsche family's story here. Also I told you about the baby girl that was born to family friends. Her name is Rebecca. She is still alive and bringing joy to her family, however her time is still very short and unknown. She is at home now. Please keep praying for them for comfort peace and strength.
My mid-year resolution is to be a better blogger. So see ya soon!

Prayer Request

My heart is heavy today as I just received some sad news that quickly takes me back to just a few short months ago. A friend of Andy's family had a little girl a few days ago that is currently at CHOP. I don't know all the details but I understand that they are keeping her comfortable right now and soaking up every second they have with her until the end. I am asking that you all pray for this family and for the baby's brother who is about Gwen's age. Please pray for comfort, peace, and strength for them that only God can give. Again, you know how to pray and thank you all for continuing this journey with us. We know despite all things God is good.

Stay tuned for pictures of our caterpillars!!!

Slap that Tat!!!

Just kidding!! Didn't they used to tell you to do that to help set the ink?!! Silly!!
ANYWAY!!!
Yes, I got a tattoo!! I don't really like it when people get new tattoos and they try their best to show it off but I'm really excited about mine and it's obviously sentimental and since you are all on this journey with me I couldn't wait to show it to you! So here it is!
I had thought about getting one in remembrance of Olivia a while ago and then I saw a similar tattoo (different word) on another person's wrist and really liked the location. The more I thought about it the more it made sense to get it! Hope-not only is it Olivia's middle name but the word encompasses everything our family is about (which is WHY it is her middle name). My wrist because of the symbolism of Christ dying on the cross and giving us that hope, My LEFT wrist because it's the "heart" side and easier for ME to read. It ended up being a gift and so we decided to get it done tonight! It was a great night followed by a picnic in the park!
So here's to my tattoo-a constant reminder that no matter what dark roads we walk we have Hope that will never go away!!

On another note Michele and I were put in contact with a new friend that is due with a baby at the end of this month that has been diagnosed with Trisomy 13. Her name is Jenn. We have gotten to meet her in person once and are looking forward to getting together with her again on Friday. Jenn is expecting a boy, Noah. Please pray for her and her family. They are doing well but obviously trying to prepare for some difficult times soon and praying for some time with their precious son. You know how to pray! Her blog is treasuringlifesblessings.blogspot.com

Jesus Loves me this I know

I was reminded last night just how many people the Lord has put in my life over the past couple of years with the things he's brought us through. People that have reached out to me, befriended me and shown me love and support even if they didn't really know me.
A part of a conversation I had with someone sparked a thought in me. I was thinking about my precious Olivia and how much I love her. She's not here but that doesn't mean that I don't STILL love her. When I found out I was pregnant with her I was wondering what kind of love I would feel for her. This was before we found out about the Trisomy 13. How could I feel as much love for another child as I did for Gwen? How could I have as much love to give or have I already given it to my firstborn? It's not that I thought I wouldn't love her, I just didn't yet know what it felt like to feel that for two children.
When Olivia was born the love for her that I felt was totally different then what I had ever felt before. It's hard to put into words but it was different than anything I felt with Gwen. Thinking of this last night made me wonder if my love for Olivia is anything like the Lord's love for us.
Olivia, by the world's eyes, was a throw away. That sounds awful but she really was. I was encouraged by the best doctors in the country to terminate my pregnancy because she was just going to die anyway-her life didn't matter. She was mentally handicap, she had deformities and those things are ugly by worldly standards. She was not perfect and she never would have been yet I loved her so SO much. I didn't care that she wasn't healthy or perfectly formed. I didn't even want her different, I just wanted HER.
That's how God loves us. We are ugly and deformed. We are not perfect and we never will be but He loves us so SO much. It's hard to remember that when you're going through a tough time but it's true and I believe that the Lord gave me that to tell me "see how you feel about your child? This is how I feel about you."
I'm healing and moving forward but times are hard. I am hurt, scared for the future, impatient for the future and honestly wondering why He has allowed us to go through so much in the last several years. Why has our life been so hard? Will it stop now that I've pretty much gone through the worst possible pain other than loosing my spouse? I feel like it has to stop because I can't take anything else-stick a fork in me, I'm DONE!! But in all the hard times I've been through and will go through I know He loves me and His plan is perfect.
Olivia's total dependence on us made me feel a love for her that I can't express. I don't love either of my girls over the other but she will ALWAYS have a special spot in my hear that no child will ever be able to touch. I thank the Lord for this.