Jesus Loves me this I know

I was reminded last night just how many people the Lord has put in my life over the past couple of years with the things he's brought us through. People that have reached out to me, befriended me and shown me love and support even if they didn't really know me.
A part of a conversation I had with someone sparked a thought in me. I was thinking about my precious Olivia and how much I love her. She's not here but that doesn't mean that I don't STILL love her. When I found out I was pregnant with her I was wondering what kind of love I would feel for her. This was before we found out about the Trisomy 13. How could I feel as much love for another child as I did for Gwen? How could I have as much love to give or have I already given it to my firstborn? It's not that I thought I wouldn't love her, I just didn't yet know what it felt like to feel that for two children.
When Olivia was born the love for her that I felt was totally different then what I had ever felt before. It's hard to put into words but it was different than anything I felt with Gwen. Thinking of this last night made me wonder if my love for Olivia is anything like the Lord's love for us.
Olivia, by the world's eyes, was a throw away. That sounds awful but she really was. I was encouraged by the best doctors in the country to terminate my pregnancy because she was just going to die anyway-her life didn't matter. She was mentally handicap, she had deformities and those things are ugly by worldly standards. She was not perfect and she never would have been yet I loved her so SO much. I didn't care that she wasn't healthy or perfectly formed. I didn't even want her different, I just wanted HER.
That's how God loves us. We are ugly and deformed. We are not perfect and we never will be but He loves us so SO much. It's hard to remember that when you're going through a tough time but it's true and I believe that the Lord gave me that to tell me "see how you feel about your child? This is how I feel about you."
I'm healing and moving forward but times are hard. I am hurt, scared for the future, impatient for the future and honestly wondering why He has allowed us to go through so much in the last several years. Why has our life been so hard? Will it stop now that I've pretty much gone through the worst possible pain other than loosing my spouse? I feel like it has to stop because I can't take anything else-stick a fork in me, I'm DONE!! But in all the hard times I've been through and will go through I know He loves me and His plan is perfect.
Olivia's total dependence on us made me feel a love for her that I can't express. I don't love either of my girls over the other but she will ALWAYS have a special spot in my hear that no child will ever be able to touch. I thank the Lord for this.

Olivia Bunny

I called the wildlife rehab center where we dropped off our baby bunny that I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. She didn't make it.

Happy Mother's Day

A Mother's Day wish from Heaven
by Jody Seilheimer

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing you from Heaven,
and though it must appear
a rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit
your stores to find a card,
a card of love for my mother,
as this day is very hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,
I saw every card you could imagine
except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in Heaven.

She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside,
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
that though I live in Heaven now,
I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
memories are our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells.
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her
of her wondrous worth.

She needs to be honored
and remembered too,
just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best,
I have done all I can do;
to you I leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.

Time

It's been six weeks since Olivia died and it feels like an eternity and like it was yesterday all at the same time. Time is a funny thing so it is! No matter what it sill moves on, whether you want it to or not it still moves on. Honestly, I want it to. I feel myself waiting anxiously to see what the next few hours will bring and it really does bring comfort to know that in time things will become more clear, in time I won't feel so heartbroken, in time we will see blessings...in time the Lord will come and there will be no more tears.
I don't mean to sound depressing because in all actuality we are doing pretty good. I was starting to feel guilty about not being depressed, not grieving hard, etc, but someone brought to my attention that we have so many praying for us. I shouldn't allow myself to feel guilty, I should see this as God's blessing to us. Don't get me wrong, I do have bad days. I do cry. I do ache to have my baby in my arms and no matter how many more children I have they can't replace her. I want HER. But keep praying. Your prayers are working. We are blessed beyond what we could have imagined to have you all supporting us.