I had a doctors appointment today. Just a normal checkup. Everything is still fine...well you know it's not FINE but pregnancy related it's fine. I'm growin' and gainin'....boy am I gaining! I guess it's from all the Christmas cookies!! Anyway Olivia's heart rate still seems to be consistent and in the normal zone. I'm just waiting for the time I go in and it's drastically different, whether high or low, because this is what I'm told tends to happen with babies like Olivia. Their heart rates aren't really a good indicator of anything that could be going on, distress etc, because they are usually all over the place for no reason. This is why they tend to not even monitor the babies during delivery because it wouldn't really tell them anything.
I asked about other ultrasounds. Dr. M said if I wanted one he would gladly set it up but there really, medically is no reason. Nothing they would see at this point could be helped. He used the example of if she is small (which, judging by the fact that I'm sure I have a little baby butt up against my rib cage, I'm sure she is not! After all she IS a Fretz!) because of the tendency of strange heart beat patterns and the fact that her brain is not developed right there would be no way to know why or intervene. It is really truly a waiting game right now. I agreed that I didn't really feel the need to have one. I have plenty of pictures from the previous ones and, knowing me, I would probably get my hopes up to see that things had turned around and she was fine and potentially be heartbroken when they weren't. If this was something like a heart defect or something that we would monitor and study to be prepared for treatment when she was born that would one thing. Unfortunately it's not like that.
I also asked AGAIN (ugh) about the likelihood of this happening again. No one can say that it absolutely won't happen again, obviously. I've learned that everyone has at least some chance of a situation like this happening and when it does happen that chance goes up about 1% of it happening again. It still leaves your chances very small so don't worry! We will test from the placenta when Olivia is born to know what all was really going on but if it's a true Trisomy 13, and all signs point to yes for that, then most likely it's just something that happened. If we are carriers of something genetic that caused it we will know that later, but even so it doesn't mean that there is a big chance of it happening again and they are saying that right now we shouldn't worry about that, nothing indicates it yet.
I don't know why I can't get off of that. I grieve for Olivia, I hurt, I'm concerned about her but I also can't shake this very real fear that I am going to have to go through this again. I don't know why. I think it's just the evil one using this way to attack me. He knows I'm a worrier by nature and he uses the good days to pop this little though back in my head. I just keep telling myself that God has blessed me with a healthy beautiful little girl and He has also blessed me with Olivia. And if He wants to bless me with more children after this than He will, and that's that!!
Keep praying. We love you all and your love and support of us has been very evident in the past couple of months. God is using you all to carry us right now and He has shown us a lot about you, about us, and most of all about Him.