Life IS hard. More specifically being pregnant is hard and even more specifically being pregnant with a child that you know is not supposed to live is HARD.
Gwen has been not feeling well and the other night I was up with her, oh, like probably at least 10 times and that's not an exaggeration. It's hard when you're really pregnant to just jump out of bed and run to the next room in the middle of the night. A few times she would start crying again as soon as I crawled back in bed! Here I am waddling up and down the hall with every bone in my hips begging me to stop, trying to bend over the crib to tend to Gwen with a very large belly in the way, and if Gwen wasn't waking me up my bladder was! Needless to say LOOOOONG night. That's when it really hit me that I was miserable. I AM miserable. I ache, I have terrible heartburn, I'm tired, I'm swollen, I'm gaining weight like it's my job, Andy's t-shirts are starting to get too short and even my maternity clothes are threatening to not fit anymore. I still have two months to go and I'm miserable and for what?? To just end up coming home empty handed?
This is the point where I had the deep heart to heart with God while I was lying in bed waiting for Gwen to need me again. I told Him I didn't want to do this anymore, that I didn't understand it. That it wasn't fair for me to go through all of this for no reason; to not even have my daughter at the end of it...WHY? I wouldn't say I was mad and I wasn't crying, just more annoyed than anything and, I guess, expecting some loud clear answer that would allow me to be content and get along with my life. You'd be right to guess that that didn't happen. All He said was "I'm not done yet..." grrrr........
I do not for one second regret the decision that Andy and I made to not terminate. We were talking the other day and I was asking Andy some questions-basically about wouldn't this or that be easier, etc, and his reply was "yes, probably, but we are not making our decisions based on what is easier." He is so right and it was good to hear that reminder. We sure didn't move forward with this thinking it would be easier. God continues to show us that we made the right decision, that this is what He wants for us and that it IS part of His plan, but it sure is not easy, or good, or ok. We know that all things work together for good but someone very close to me once told me that it doesn't mean that all thing ARE good! I appreciate that so much because no matter how you slice it this situation is not good, it just plain stinks (to put it mildly). Good things have happened and I know good things will continue to happen for a long time, but it's not good. I don't like it!
We are still praying that God knits Olivia perfectly. Only He can.
We are still praying for strength.
We are still praying for our testimony through this.
Now you can add to the list that I keep my head while being a miserable pregnant woman!!!!
On another note Hezekiah's funeral is this weekend. I think most of you have been keeping up to date with Michele's blog. He passed away a week ago after living and bringing much joy for a short week. I am going to the funeral and with this brings so many other emotions. Please please pray for Michele and her family for obvious reasons. Please also pray for me. I am looking forward to seeing Michele again however the circumstances lead to some pretty heavy stuff for both of us. I think this might be pretty hard for me but I also think it's necessary and will be good for me too. Meeting her and getting to know her has been a real blessing and I look forward to being there for her and I also look forward to seeing how God has used their family as a very bright light through all of this. Please pray for us and for the others that will be there that might not know Him-that they will see the light.