I was thankful for the Holidays. I rushed around until the last minute getting gifts bought and wrapped, but even so it was nice way to stay busy, see family and have fun with Gwen. I also thought a lot about Mary and how she gave birth to her precious son only to give him up to a horrible death and what that all means for us. Now that they're over all I can think about is what is yet to come. All of the "Happy New Years" didn't really have the same charm as they have every other year. All I can think about is "is this going to be the worst year of my life?" I feel like I've had way too much time to deal with this. I have known that Olivia is sick for two months and I have a little less than three months to still know. All this knowing has brought me to a point of almost numbness sometimes. A few of you have maybe heard me say this but sometimes I KNOW what is going to happen but I'm not sure I really BELIEVE it. I'm not in denial and I don't think the doctors are wrong. I've seen the evidence myself. But to try to think ahead and be prepared? It's like I don't really believe this is happening. And I sure don't feel like I'm carrying around a sick, weak baby. She is very active and strong but I'm told this is completely normal. I pray all the time that God give me what I need to be prepared for whatever happens and I still find myself in this state of unbelief. The only thing I really know is that God is saying "I'm not done yet". I don't believe that means He is telling me that everything will be ok with Olivia, I just believe that He is telling me that no matter what He's not done yet-with her, with me, and with anyone that this situation touches. I do find comfort in this and I do know that He can take her and still bless us in ways we can't imagine but it's still hard to be excited about 2010.
I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. Just a normal check up. To answer some of the questions that a lot of you have had-I don't know if I'll have any more ultrasounds. They've kinda given me the vibe that since it's really just a waiting game and nothing can be done it's all about me now. So, you know, the normal belly check, weight, blood pressure, all that, but not so much anything for Olivia except checking her heart beat. I understand this since there is no intervention for her affliction. I wish that wasn't the case but we know what we know and any other procedures at this point would probably just add stress. I'll find out more about this tomorrow and some of the other questions that you and I have both come up with. We are still praying for a miracle-for total healing for Olivia.
One last thing- I had the lovely opportunity to meet a new friend this past week who is going through something quite similar to what I am going through. Her name is Michele and I met her by contacts through my dad's church. Her baby boy was due a few days ago and Michele found out about a month ago that he has anencephaly. This is not what Olivia has except the fact that it affects the brain and head. Like Olivia, Hezekiah is not going to live long and Michele and her family have already made all the appropriate arrangements and as you can imagine are, well, just waiting really. Please pray for them. Her and her husband have six other awesome kids and this will be hard on all of the them. Pray for peace that passes understanding, strength and comfort and remember that her children will grieve hard as well. She has given me permission to pass on her blog info. Check her out at arrows4godsarmy.blogspot.com
Until next time keep praying for the things that I have mentioned previously:
God's healing for Olivia (and Hezekiah for that matter)-we know that this is quite possible and that God could choose to lay on us an amazing ministry with this miracle.
We also know that our ministry may better be used if He chooses not to heal her so we pray that God gives us all we need if He chooses not to do this.
No matter what we still need strength and peace and comfort right now
and last of all keep praying that this pregnancy will continue to stay healthy and "normal".